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HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero.

NEWTON, MA—Uneasy to this day over the possibility they consider him a horrible person, local man Will Donnelly is still worried that the parents of his ex-girlfriend from seven years ago hate him, sources confirmed Thursday.

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NEW YORK—Alarmed at the aisles and seats all but devoid of female commuters, subway masturbator Doug Waters told reporters Wednesday that the Day Without A Woman strike served as a sobering reality check.

CHICAGO—Despite afflicting his father and numerous members of his extended family, local man Josh Mc Calister’s genetic predisposition for heart disease was no match for the 10 half-assed push-ups he does a couple of times a week, sources said Wednesday.

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Making a big scene in front of everyone, disciplinarian parent Michael Torres was reportedly annoying diners at Leghorn Grill Friday far more than his unruly toddler ever possibly could.

WASHINGTON—Insisting to the nation that it’s totally fine in there and that they definitely don’t need any help, the country’s top experts from the other room reported Friday that 87 percent of loud crashing noises are nothing.

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