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18-Apr-2018 17:52 by 5 Comments

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SACRAMENTO, CA—Saying that his natural gifts were evident as soon as he started crawling, Jessica Enos, the mother of mixed martial arts fighter Cody Garbrandt, told reporters Thursday that her son began punching and kicking the shit out of everything from an early age.CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.

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NEW YORK—Saying that he is thrown for a loop every time he sees the player this season, local 29-year-old NBA fan Jon Westmoreland admitted to reporters Tuesday that he still hasn’t become accustomed to the sight of veteran center Zaza Pachulia in a Golden State Warriors uniform.

INDIANAPOLIS—Noting that the test’s significance has continued to wane ever since its debut in 1987, NFL officials announced Monday that the league’s scouting combine will phase out the process of subjecting draft prospects to vivisection.

BRISTOL, CT—Meeting with his network of spies in a darkened, remote hallway at ESPN headquarters, NFL analyst Adam Schefter reportedly distributed sweet treats Friday to the street urchins returning from the league’s various front offices with whispers of the latest free agency rumors.

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that he has always dreamed about the experience, CBS Sports announcer Jim Nantz reportedly wondered aloud what holding a basketball might be like during Friday afternoon’s broadcast.

CHICAGO—Calling the games a “complete time suck,” 32-year-old junior sales associate Collin Hiller told reporters Friday that the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has really been affecting his ability to get any fucking around done.

Five years after the Dallas Cowboys bungled a domain name auction and lost to a group of investors, the site has resurfaced as a gay dating service for “cowboy[s] looking for a man to ride into the sunset with.” What do you think?

WASHINGTON—Rushing toward the president as he pressed the eight-inch bit into his temple, several White House aides managed to wrestle a drill from Donald Trump’s hand Monday while he attempted to remove Obama’s listening device from his skull.Allowing users to access without having to download an app is essential in countries where being gay is illegal and punishable by imprisonment, torture, or even death.” Manjam’s creators claim it receives more than 3 million visitors and 67 million page views every month, across America, Europe, the Middle East and Southern Asia.Available: Manjam works on your mobile, tablet and computer browser.GREENVILLE, SC—Recounting the difficult circumstances that shaped his development into adulthood, Duke University shooting guard Grayson Allen recalled Friday the struggle of growing up without any principles.HARRINGTON, DE—Proceeding slowly while limping down the hallway of Lake Forest High School on crutches, 16-year-old basketball player Jeremy Moore was reportedly walking around Friday like a fallen war hero.CHATTANOOGA, TN—Hailing him as a revolutionary figure who forever changed the way the game was played, sources confirmed Friday that Art Folson, the pickup football pioneer credited with introducing the famed “Five Mississippi” blitz count, has passed away at the age of 94.